What's in Zach's pack?

Stonehenge. The Bermuda triangle. Patrick’s secret box. They all share one united greatest common factor: mystery. The brain’s goal is to be comfortable and relaxed, yet it has an undeniable magnetism to the unsolved. Here at the Courier, deep investigative journalism is the motto. Rather than produce a gritty news story or hard-hitting editorial, it's time to tackle the biggest school mystery of all: the contents of defensive end Zach Harrison’s backpack.

From the slightly-sticky bleachers of the football field, one can easily notice the bag perched on his back, despite distractions from the student section, band, crowd and literal game in progress. Instead of watching the game, listening to the band or joining in on chants, the typical viewer will most definitely become fixated on it, intrigued with the mystery.

“I bet it has $3 million and a speaker,” sophomore Ethan Hunter said.

Standing at six and a half feet, Harrison towers over some of the team and fellow classmates, putting an even brighter spotlight on the bag. Without anything else to pay attention to, one can’t help but become infatuated with wonder. The student body has naturally began to speculate what could possibly be in it.

“I think it has a baby blanket he takes everywhere with him,” sophomore Drew Morman said.

Some students have gone a more practical route with their theories, but this leaves out his suspicious reasoning for wearing it all the time. There appears to be more questions than answers.

“It probably just has snacks or water,” senior Riley McGaughey said.

Other student speculations have caused more conspiracies surrounding the backpack to grow. The bag could be a ploy to distract from his alien or lizard-person origins. Others theorize the pack is of result of the vegan cult Harrison possibly associates with that plans to suspend the constitution. In addition, recent investigation done by the Courier points to the possibility of the bag being a battery pack, proving Zach Harrison is a robot built by the federal government.

“Zach seems like the type kid to not use pockets so maybe keys, wallet and definitely snacks [he eats a lot],” Head Football Coach Zebb Schroder said.

After months of undercover investigating and stakeouts, the Courier sent out numerous staff members to infiltrate Harrison’s personal life and discover the truth. Becoming fast best friends, the staff was able to unearth the answer to a mystery bigger than the Rosetta stone. Through a grueling undercover probe that lasted many months, the Courier obtained scandalous recordings of what exactly is in the pack and the answer will shock and stir the nation for generations to come.

“I don’t know. Nothing I guess.” Harrison said.

archives

Print Editions

Online Editions

sections